I can't get RADIATION off my brain!!!

I started radiation in February...and finished in March. Here I am two months later, and it's still on my mind every.single.day!!! Going through radiation was the single hardest thing I've ever done. I was completely fear-stricken, and I just can't shake the feeling...and the anxieties of the potential radiation-induced effects.

When I walked in there the first night, Ron was watching the kids, so I went alone. I was vomitting like crazy and literally shaking while trying to walk in the hospital. They had to coax me down the hall into the dressing room and practically drag me to the treatment room. After two very long hours, they came in to tell me that the treatment had failed - they couldn't get the radiation to go in at the angle they hoped without compromising my spinal cord. I was devastated. I had worked myself up and gotten myself to believe that if I could just get through ONE treatment, I could do it. And then there I was, half naked in a room with ten doctors, and I hadn't gotten through one. I cried - I sobbed, actually. The Director of Oncology thought I was a nutcase (and he's probably right), but my oncologist tried to calm me down. It didn't work, but at least he tried! LOL. I called Brynn, still sobbing uncontrollably, and she could hardly understand me. I was so grateful that she listened, though.

So, the next morning I went back in to make my second mold, and they scheduled my radiation for the following week. I was petrified. I wasn't sure if I could do that again. But Tiffany stepped up and went with me - she went to my first three, as a matter of fact! It was such a huge relief. I felt guilty that she was missing time with her family to be with me...yet I felt so calmed by her presence. Anyone whose met her can understand why. She's amazing. And she didn't just touch me...she touched others there waiting, too. One woman even asked me where "my friendly companion" was when I went on my birthday. Tiffany was a Godsend, and I will never, ever forget that.

Tiffany also graciously agreed to take pictures for me. I don't know why, but I felt compelled to have this documented. I guess I wanted proof that I could get through anything. I didn't feel that way at the time, but deep down somewhere inside me, I knew I'd get through this ordeal. I don't know why I'm rehasing all this again--I already blogged about this. I'm hoping getting it off my chest will help me move forward. I need to let go my fear and anxiety about this, because it's ruining my life. But I just can't get it off my mind...so here it is. Here are a couple of the pictures Tiffany took for me that night.

This is the view from the parking garage coming into the oncology area:

This is the dreaded radiation machine. I was scared to death when I first saw it - it absolutely stopped me in my tracks.

This was me as they were preparing me for my treatment. As you can see from my face, I was flushed like crazy - a combination of my nausea and fear, I think. My body was HOT, despite how cold it was in there. (I can't believe I'm posting this!) And this is after they slid me into the machine, and they were getting ready to walk out to start the radiation. I was crying in there, and the nice gal to the right wiped my tears before she walked out. (I really can't believe I'm posting THIS one!!)
I really hope this will help me get this off my brain and let things go. I need to move on with my life. But everytime my back hurts (which unfortunately is all the time), I start thinking about my tumor and then radiation and then you get the idea.