Well I saw my Onoclogist yesterday...

and he told me what I didn't want to hear. MRIs every THREE months :( AACK!!!! I was hoping for every six months for the first two years like they originally said and then every year after that if it was staying the same or receding. At least my first one isn't until June, so I have time to psych myself up for it...but I'm already freaking out. I wish I could get past this anxiety, but I don't know how. Someone suggested a hypnotist. I balked at the idea at first...but I just might check into it.

My dr. told me that all the pain I'm in is still normal, and as long as it doesn't get any worse than it is currently, they aren't concerned. He wanted me to try the steroids again, but I refused. They added an immediate 40 lbs. to my body and gave me absolutely zero pain relief - why the hell would I do that again?!

He offered up pain medication again, as well as the pain management clinic. I'm NOT going there, as that involves inejcting me in the back (like an epidural) while I'm awake and not allowed to move. Um, no thanks. I chose to birth two babies (one that was 9½ lbs.) naturally because I wasn't letting anyone make me sign a paper that they aren't liable if they paralyze me and then stick me in the back. I'm certainly not doing it this time either. I can't really take pain medication, because everything they give me makes we WAY to sleepy to be a single mom. So, I'll live with the pain, thankyouverymuch.

If it tumor isn't showing progress of shrinking in size by my scan in September, they want to discuss doing this again. Yep - more radiation in my body. You know, that stuff with all the signs around the hospital telling you not to enter because radiation is present. Yep...they want to put MORE of that in my body. And if I say no, they want to operate again and then try chemo. Um, no. You told me you thought it was benign. Why the hell would I do that?! Plus, I can't have that surgery again. I'm a single working mom, remember?! After surgery, I can't drive for 6-8 weeks. How in the world would that work?! Besides the fact that I needed 24-hour care for the first two weeks. I'm a SINGLE mom. No surgery. And double no to chemo.

So, when my MRI rolls around in June, I'll be asking for some prayers. God knows I need them. :)