Anticipation

I have to admit, the anticipation of my upcoming surgery is killing me. While I've got the normal anxious feeling that always goes along with having surgery, I am SO excited for the date to get here. Not because I want them operating on my spine again or because I want to go through that horrid recovery again, but because I'm hopeful of the outcome. I'm starting to worry myself that I've become TOO optimistic about it. If something doesn't go as planned, I'm not sure I'll be ready to cope with it. But I feel so certain that things will go perfectly and a year from now I won't remember the pain I've been suffering for three long years.

You know what changed?? I gave it all to God. I realized that I made the leap to go to the Mayo Clinic, even when people were doubting my decision. I was criticized for spending so much money (that I don't really have), and I was told that I was being ridiculous, selfish and even that I was exaggerating my pain. I wish some of the people saying those awful things could have been in that room with me when the Mayo doctors validated my uneasy feelings about my doctors here, validating my pain and confirmed (and explained WHY) radiation made me worse, and insisted on surgery at their facility with their world-rated surgeons. Enough about the naysayers, though, and back to my point. I prayed A LOT before going to Mayo. I prayed for God to tell me if this was the right thing. And I KNEW before going that it was what I had to do. I resolved myself to the fact that the doctors there may have told me that my doctors here are doing everything right. But I was O.K. with that because I HAD to know. I trusted that God was leading me there, and I'm SO glad He did.

Then, once my surgery was scheduled, I started to become a doubting Thomas again -- wondering if I was doing the right thing. People around me were again asking if I was sure I was doing the right thing and asking if I should really take the risk of another spinal surgery. I let all those fears consume me, and I wasn't listening to God or my heart. Well, now I AM listening to God. I pray about this surgery, and I know it's the right thing to do. I believe whole-heartedly that it's my best chance for a pain-free future. And I do know deep down that it's possible that won't happen, but I also know God led me to Mayo for a reason. I am putting my faith and trust in God to get me through this, and I know I will be just fine thanks to His grace. I am ready for surgery and just wish it would get here.

Of course, God knows I'm not completely ready -- I DO still have to set-up care for my recovery. LOL! If only I could give THAT to God, I'd be stress free about the entire situation.

I'll send with the refrain from one of my favorites songs.

Our God is an awesome God
He reigns from heaven above
With wisdom pow'r and love
our God is an awesome God